Listening in Relationships is the Biggest Points Scorer

Listening in relationships is the ultimate points scorer and game changer. It enables the other person to feel heard and often, that’s all they’re asking for. Listening is not just a practice, but a whole mindset shift. Here’s how to accomplish it.  

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When a woman is visibly upset and she’s expressing it, or when she says she’s upset with you and wants to talk, the number one mistake most men make is they start looking out for where they’re in trouble or what they need to fix. Neither are helpful. Why? Because what she wants most is to feel heard, and if your attention is on, “How am I going to get out of this, or fix this?” then you’re not listening to what’s going on for her, you’re listening to what’s going on for you.

Because that’s what she wants, guys. She wants first and foremost to feel heard, to feel listened to.

So, how do you make her feel heard?

You listen. And listen properly, authentically. Which is a skill, and something you do consciously, deliberately.

To listen properly, consciously, deliberately, authentically, requires a mindset shift. Which in turn requires some self-awareness, or mindfulness.

Where is your attention?

Look at it like this. When you’re listening for where you’re in trouble, or what you need to fix, where is your attention? It’s on yourself, it’s inside your head. You’re focusing on your own thoughts. You’re listening to what’s going on inside your own head. You’re queuing up your arguments, what you’re going to say.

Guys, that’s not listening. Listening means your attention is on her, on what she’s actually saying, not on your interpretation of what she’s saying. So you need to remain mindful of that.

Listening means you shut up. Both verbally and inside your own head. Well, you can’t stop what’s going on inside your own head, but you can be aware of where your attention is, and you want it to be on her and on what she’s saying, without making assumptions or quick judgement calls.

Listen to comprehend, not to respond

Another way of stating this is that you listen to comprehend. You don’t listen to respond. You’re not going to fix, remember, you want her to feel heard, which requires listening. That’s all. That’s your job. And it remains your job, until long after the conversation is over.

At no point do you jump in to defend yourself or ask for details and explanations for the purpose of fixing.

At no point do you jump in to defend yourself or ask for details and explanations for the purpose of fixing. You can ask for clarifications so that you can be sure you’re understanding her right. That’s it. Comprehension questions only. If you say anything it’s only to confirm that you’re understanding her correctly.

If you do this and really listen, then you should notice her calming down significantly and the room going quiet. Don’t disturb that silence. Just let it be. You don’t have to say anything or solve anything or fix anything. You’ve already done it.

Ask her this magic question

Then you ask her these magic words: “What do you need?” Or you might try, “What do you need right now?” Or, “What do you need from me?” And obviously there’s a way to ask that. It’s a gentle, enquiring tone, not an exasperated, irritated or defensive one.

If you’ve never done this before, she might be so shocked she’ll forget momentarily about whatever the thing is, and stare at you. She might check to see if it’s the same person in the room. Ha ha. You can just tell her it’s something you read on this coach’s blog and get back to business!

The only time you give advice is if she asks for it.

There’s a good chance, when you ask what she needs, that she’s going to say she just wanted you to listen, to hear her out, and she’ll say so. Then that’s it. You’re off the hook. No fixing, or mansplaining necessary. You might then offer to do something for her, like make her a cup of tea, or run her a bath, but nothing more. Walk away and nobody will get hurt.

Unless of course she asks for your advice, then you can give it. But that’s the only time.

The impact and outcome of asking the question

She might also be surprised because nobody’s ever asked her that, not even her friends. It may be the first time she’s approached it from that empowered perspective. Because that’s what it is. By asking it you’re inviting her to switch from a problem statement to a solution statement, and that’s empowering for anybody.

And this remains generally true even if what’s making her upset has something to do with you. Like maybe you keep entertaining a friend who she thinks is rude. Or maybe you’re spending too much time with your friends, or on your sport or hobby, or at work—something that’s important to you. Or maybe you just don’t think it’s a problem. You’ve talked or argued about it before, and you disagree.

And now she’s upset again. And you’re listening. You listen until she’s finished. And then, when she’s finished, you ask the same question, although this time it’s going to be more, “What do you need from me?” Or you might say, “What are you asking of me?” Again, with a curious rather than a defensive tone.

The question puts you both in an empowered state relative to the issue at hand

This is important for two reasons: one, you’re inviting her to move from a general complaint to a specific request, one that you can say yes or no to, or negotiate around. It’s a way of creating clarity for her and for you, and a way of getting both of you to take responsibility for an outcome, which will take the form of an agreement, or at least a negotiated settlement. So it puts you both in an empowered position relative to the issue.

The process demands a mindset shift

Now here’s the key and it’s a mindset shift.

You don’t need to be right, and you don’t need to win. You’re not less of a man if you yield to her request even if you don’t entirely agree with her about the issue. And I’m not saying you should yield regardless. But in situations like this, a rule of thumb is that 9 times out of 10, it will be something you can negotiate on. And when you do that, you’re not being a pushover, you’re not giving in to feminism and the woke folk, you’re being mature.

My analogy for this is the tree: it stands strong for hundreds of years and part of its strength is its flexibility. When the wind blows, it doesn’t resist and say, no, I’m a tree, I won’t bend a single branch. If it did that in a strong wind, it would snap. In the same way, your life is full of weather, and wind, and you need to be able to yield to stay standing.

How to respond to what she asks of you

If what she’s asking doesn’t make sense to you, or you don’t know how you’re going to do it, say so. Be honest. Don’t say yes when you mean no, and don’t roll your eyes or whatever it is you normally do at that point. If you need to, you can ask questions for clarity, so that you can be sure you understand what she means. Maybe even play it back to her so that she can confirm you’ve got it right. You might also say you need to take it away to make sense of it within your own mind and value system, and figure out whether you can do it. In such cases you might say something like, “I’ll take that on and think about whether I can do that, or how I can do that.”

Now as I said, there may be things that are simply against your value system, that you absolutely can’t do. Like maybe she insists all of a sudden that you convert to a different religion, or that you turn vegan, whatever. Those are things that people don’t discuss before they get together, that come up later. So, yes, there might be things you can say no to. But as you can see, those are likely to be a relatively small percentage of requests, maybe like one percent.

So for those other 99% of things, you do not need to be rigid and call it principle, or think you’re losing if you acquiesce. And this is true even if it doesn’t completely make sense for you. Most often, the need to win, or defend, or be right, is just your ego defending its turf. Let it go. You’re about to learn something. You’re about to grow. You’re about to become a bigger person, the person who can do this thing that you’re doing, which is to step back and not need to defend, or solve, or fix, or be right, or be the hero, but to simply be present, to yield and maybe even agree to something that doesn’t quite make sense yet.

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