Hero’s Journey

Liberate yourself by saying a simple, clear no

When somebody makes a request or a suggestion and your answer is ‘no’, do you, like most people, beat about the bush and try to let them down gently? Like saying, ‘Maybe, we’ll look at it,’ and hoping it goes away. Some feel they have to explain themselves for hours and some, amazingly, find themselves caving in and saying, ‘Yes!’

If you can’t say no, here are some questions to challenge you: 1. Who are you to think that you’re so great that your ‘no’ would destroy another person’s life, or quell their ambition? As if they could never pick themselves up from your ‘no’! 2. Would you be doing someone a favour by letting them have what they want so easily, even before they deserve it, before they’ve earned it? No, you’d only delay their inevitable fall and waste their time. Things worth having are hard-earned.

If you don’t value your ‘no’,
then why would anybody else?

3. If you talk yourself out of saying ‘no’ every time, what’s the message you’re putting out? That you don’t value what you want. Well, guess what? If you don’t, then life, in the form of other people, won’t either. So what will life, in the form of those people, deliver to your doorstep? More of what you don’t want. More things to say no to, that you won’t say no to, and so you’ll spiral downwards.

In order to say a clear ‘no’ you have to know what you want and be willing to get it – and you have to give up trying to be Mr Nice Guy. And by the way, there’s no need to explain yourself. ‘No’ is a simple word and everyone understands it.

I bought a book many years ago because of its title: How Shall We Then Live? It was a Christian social manifesto, with plenty of validity, but it didn’t answer the question for me. Instead, the title, which had resonated in the beginning, stayed with me: I knew that it was the central question of my life. I wasn’t fulfilled, and I wanted to be. I didn’t feel free; I could see that people weren’t free, and I was determined that we should be.

I’ve since learned that if you ask a question in the right way, and you keep it open, you eventually become the living answer to that question. Rather than telling people the answer, the things you do and the way you live provides the answer to anyone who cares to look. Well, if being ecstatically present and energised all the time is an indication, then I could say I’ve become, in some small measure, the answer to that question. I know how to live in order to be fulfilled and happy, no matter what’s going on around you.

The beauty is that it was the very climb from confusion, misery and despair that has revealed these answers to me. If I’d always been happy, I wouldn’t know what makes a person happy, I’d have nothing to share, I’d have none of my current value, meaning or purpose.  

So how shall we then live? Live the question – put your life on the line for an answer – and you will find out. For the fast track, you come see me, I show you!

Create harmony by wanting what you want

It’s natural that you won’t always GET what you want. But it’s a sad day when you stop wanting it. That’s the day that you resign from life; you become grumpy and miserable, and you blame the world for your problems. Most of us, for the sake of our parents’ and teachers’ sanity, or reputation, were taught to stop wanting, or to stop wanting so much. A simple no allows a child to go on wanting; instead, most of us were told – and tell our kids – not to want so much.

After a while, it seems normal to just do what you’re told, to do what’s expected of you, to serve society’s norms, and your partner’s wants. When someone comes along who wants what they want, and acts to get it, they appear eccentric, and everybody looks on in horror.

When you get in tune with your wants,
your life begins to flow

In the depths of quantum physicists is something called string theory. This says that the most basic unit of energy are ‘strings’, and each string has its unique harmonic, its unique vibration, or tone, just as each violin or piano – or golf club – has its own unique sound to the trained ear. Similarly, more complex organs – people included – have their own harmonic. That harmonic is expressed through our unique wants.

When you get in tune with your wants, you get in tune with your purpose, and life begins to flow; you experience joy. This appears selfish to those who don’t allow themselves to want what they want. To get from wanting what everyone else wants, to wanting what you want, and then acting to get it, can be a challenging journey. Whether you take that journey depends on your level of desire.

The question is, now you’re an adult, who would have to give you permission to want what you want?

If you want to really live then you have to take the great opportunity that life offers you in midlife. I turned 42 this month and I can really attest that life begins at 40, that 40 is the new 20. We have all the knowledge and facilities to build healthy bodies and healthy minds.

Having used these opportunities, I find myself in the most clear, most powerful space I’ve ever been in. I’ve cleared the mountain of ‘stuff’ that held me back in the past, that kept me isolated and chasing butterflies and trying to solve the world’s great problems on my own, so that I could take the credit for some great idea, and finally feel good about myself. I know that this ‘stuff’ – I’ll spare you the details – has cleared not just intellectually, but emotionally, energetically, and the nett effect, I feel, is that I have arrived at myself. I can say that I know myself; I feel seated inside myself, and I know my way forward.

Obviously there’s still growth to come, but it will be from that foundation, and from now on my life will be a list of contributions made and achievements gained as I step out on the path to wanting what I want, to expressing myself with my heart wide open, with full connectedness to life and all its wonders and opportunities.