The man with the most enemies, loses

Consider the fate of Nelson Mandela versus that of Thabo Mbeki, Robert Mugabe, George W Bush. The man who loved his enemies the most is not only the greatest hero – he’s also the happiest of the lot!

Your enemy is anyone you’re opposing, while coming from a position of being right about something. If you’re in a conflict – any conflict – and you want to win, you have an enemy. If you look carefully, it’s often someone very close to you, in your family, your business. Think of a conflict you’re having currently. You’d love to win that, right? Well then, that other person is your enemy. You’re fighting them to be right. You’d fight to the death if it came down to it.

Your enemy truly is your greatest teacher

Chances are, whomever you’re fighting is providing a perfect challenge to your being the kind of person that you’ve declared yourself to be, somewhere along the way. It’s a set-up! Life tests you! So if you’ve declared yourself to be patient, life will present you with someone who tests your patience. Kind and loving? Life will present you with someone who tests you on that. If you recognise the challenge, and overcome it – not overcome them, but overcome the victory urge in yourself – you can start to be recognised for your greatness; you will discover the greatest power – and the key to happiness.

Throw out the sergeant and appoint a wise master

When a man makes what he thinks is a mistake, he is very likely to beat himself up for it internally. His mind becomes a highway of self-directed abuse: ‘You idiot!’ The traffic gets thicker as he gets older – he abuses himself for not being where he expected himself to be – until he reaches gridlock, and forgiveness seems out of the question.

What you’re doing, if this is you, is equating being a man, and being worthy, with being a success. At the same time, you’re treating yourself like a child for every perceived failure!  It’s time to grow up and release that internalised parent – or that ex-World War II sergeant of a teacher. Tell yourself you’re a man now, and treat yourself like one – one who has always done his best. You’ve dealt with life the only way you could have, right, knowing what you knew at the time?  Careful now, any answer that is not, ‘Yes!’ is not you – it’s that abusive sergeant again.

Being gentle with yourself doesn’t mean being soft on yourself

You still push yourself to achieve; you still keep your word, honour your commitments, maintain integrity without compromise. Being gentle with yourself just means that when things don’t work out the way you expected them to, you have an adult conversation with yourself. You don’t put yourself in detention. You forgive yourself – the greater the perceived failure the more this applies – and set yourself free to make another mistake, to learn again.

Avoid overreacting and you’ll see the opportunity in every situation

Nature responds appropriately to every situation. Water will splash according to the size rock or pebble you throw into it. Animals react with the amount of aggression that is required – or they run away. We humans tend to over- or under-react.  When the chips are down financially, when times are tough, one man might shake his fist at the world and fight with everything that he says is standing in his way, while another will roll over meekly and take whatever he can get.

There’s never anything wrong with the situation.
It’s just our expectations that make it appear so.

The first man is like the driver stuck in traffic who throws insults from inside the safe bubble of his car: loud, arrogant, and still in the same position when it’s all over. The second is the one who always picks a lane that turns out to be the slow lane, and offers a story as to why it’s best to stay in that chosen lane. Neither one makes a difference. The wise man calls ahead to say that he’s going to be late; he turns on the music, and navigates his way calmly, purposefully.

There’s never anything wrong with the situation. It’s just our expectations that make it appear so. It’s just the baby in us that screams, while the bottle is still a few minutes away. By letting go of panic, and by not being resigned, we open ourselves up to the lessons and opportunities that are being presented.

Gain energy by giving it

When you have a social engagement that you’re reluctant to attend, consider that most others probably don’t want to be there either. Even so, some people seem to have fun; they bring the conversation alive, and attract people towards them. Is it just their personality? Perhaps not. Perhaps they are simply making a conscious effort. The effect of their effort is that they inject energy into the room. Where does that energy come from? They find it within themselves, and by giving it they get more.

When you increase life, more life is given to you

The same applies to any activity or situation you find yourself in. When you’re called upon to contribute to a meeting or project at work, a family interaction, any small task, even talking to a shop attendant or handing money to a parking attendant. Check to see: Am I injecting positive energy into the situation? If yes, then you are increasing life, and when you do that, more life will be given to you – more energy will flow into you.

So this is not an invitation to go and sow your see all around town! Instead, it’s the simple principle that if you want energy you have to give it. And by the way, nobody cares whether you feel like it or not!

Honest sharing supports others to do the same

Any guy who’s been to the army will know this well: You never leave your buddies behind, no matter what. In real life, we tend to forget this practice. Now you don’t have to hold back on success for the sake of others. Rather, just be aware that for every summer you’re experiencing there is a winter on the other side of the earth – and there’s one coming up on your side, too. Yes, sooner or later, everyone hits a hard patch, and you can be sure that your buddy is just as good at covering up when he’s in one as you are.

OK, you don’t want to go prying into your mates’ lives; what you can do is get the ball rolling by sharing honestly and openly where you’re at. Do this check with yourself: ‘What am I pretending to be OK about?’ Then tell the truth about it. First to yourself, internally, then to your buddy. Chances are good that he’ll open up too.

Avoid the typical response of handing out advice

When your buddy shares, avoid the typical response of handing out advice. You don’t have to go into his childhood pains either; instead, ask him what he’s going to do about it, get him to commit, and then hold him to it – phone him up and check on him if you must. It’s a genuine case of sharing the load and pulling your buddy along with you.